All the searing thoughts in pit of my stomach and yet as soon as I put pen to paper (fingers to keypad, maybe that should be) I can't seem to pull out exactly what I want to say. Hopefully the more I blog my thoughts the easier it will become.
In short, today has been a very bad day following a lovely week, a cyclica pattern that I have gotten very used too.
On Monday I felt great after sticking to my healthy eating for 10 days. I felt slimmer and healthier. I picked BF* up from the train station to stay with me for 3 nights. So ensued the eating. He is one of the lucky few that can eat for England and never see a fluctuation in physique or the scales. This isn't good for someone who struggles to maintain their weight and panics at the thought of adding a pound. So when the fresher 10 landed three weeks in to my first term at uni, I can't even describe the feeling of panic. And so begins that dreaded pit of stomach feeling again and the desperation that shift these 10 pounds that are still stuck on 6 months later...
BF has been banished to the depths of LB's* room to play 'Call Of Duty' whilst I jot these quick thoughts of today down before it drives me mad
.
If someone asked me to describe my life I would say it's a circle. The latest circle began yesterday after going to the cinema and eating pick n mix. This would certainly seem like normal practice for most people and it is certainly something I used to do without batting an eyelid pre-weightloss days.
After having a great time and a meal out with my family, I awoke this morning feeling very frustrated and angry with myself, looked in the mirror and was completely repulsed. I'd have thought the feelings it provokes would stop me satisfying my insatiable sweet tooth and I would have simply avoided the pick n mix but it would appear not. I seem to be forced to press the huge self destruct button, devouring those pick n mix even though I feel guilty after 10 mini eggs and a couple of smarties.
After about 8 or 9 wardrobe changes, unhappy with how I look in each one, I decide I don't want to go out anymore but BF says I should because it's a lovely sunny day; shame my mood doesn't mirror it.
Poor BF, who desperately is trying to understand my illness but can't, gets a little frustrated and more than a little bit worried about me. So followed a 45 minute walk in the sun that achieved very little but awkward silence and a large blister on my little toe.
It upsets me that my issues don't just stop at me but expand beyond to those who I care most about. I hold no secret that I have been diagnosed with BDD or what I can only describe as 'dabbling' with bulimia. However, my parents are unwilling to talk about it/ accept it and my BF doesn't understand it as he thinks I look great. The problem is talking about it. I don't want to hurt those closest to me so I bottle up my feelings, this makes me more paranoid and my eating habits worse. Hence... another circle.
I wish so much that just for one day I could see through someone else's eyes and I could snap myself out of this but at the moment I can see no way of clicking my sparkly red shoes together and being in a different mental state.
At least I feel better after a couple of sharp tears and a stab on the keyboard.
Gecko x
*BF - Boyfriend
*LB - Little Brother
Walking the Walk
10 years ago
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2 comments:
It does get easier to write about it. And after a while you will find it helpful to write it out. I find myself more able to spot fall's before they happen. I can write it out before hand and it makes more sense and I can do the right thing.
The bdd sucks! When I was very large I though I was almost normal. Now when I'm look almost normal I see myself as huge. No one that doesn't have it can really understand. They can't understand that we are not looking for compliments or re-assurance that we look good. For me I'm trying to figure out how they can see me one way and yet I just don't see it myself. Good luck with the CBT.
Thanks very much. You are very right about the compliments. I know I'm not bad looking and that I probably look very 'normal' which makes it look even more like I'm looking for compliments when it's the last thing I want because I don't know how to accept them.
Have you tried photographs? Even though I find it hard to accept, I seem to see myself more the way I am on a photograph than I do in the mirror
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