New chapter

Well.... I have been very neglectful of my blog recently, but a lot has happened during this time.

Firstly I have sat and passed my first year law exams. The stress didn't help with my eating but i had a slight up after my results.

I finally got down to the weight that I was pre-university... taking about 9 months to lose a stone that took only 3 weeks to put on during freshers term
I've also been on holiday to Barcelona with my mum, a break we both needed and a chance to let my hair down a bit although being in a bikini made sure I kept an eye on my weight.

I have also had a letter for my CBT and have been to my initial appointment so my therapy should begin soon.

The only down part that I've had is that after abstaining since the beginning of December, I have began to make myself sick again occasionally whenever I wander from my healthy eating.

I'm trying my best to combine healthy eating with exercise and other things that make me feel good like moisturising and looking after my skin etc so that I can feel good inside and outside when I go back to uni.

I hope everyone out there has been doing well :)

I hope to start a new chapter soon and begin recovery.. feeling optimistic for now but we shall see.

Gecko xx

Stress and Eating

I've found that I have a strange relationship with food and stress. Pre weightloss I found that when I was stressed I ate more.. hence I got bigger.
Normally, when I'm stressing about my weight and restricting, the stress tends to cause me not to lose weight no matter how hard I try because stress slows down your metabolism.

At the moment I'm just about to hit my exams... 39 hours and 47 minutes until my first one... not that I'm counting.
The stress of my exams has actually contributed to my weightloss, even though I am still eating. It could be because I have upped the exercise further still to and chill out.

Either way, I'm trying to push ED out at the moment as my academic achievements are important to me (I'm a complete perfection and I push myself as much as possible with everything) and I don't want bad eating patterns to leave me lethargic....

Got to try and stress less but feeling rather down :(

Gecko x

Living with the other half...Seeing it from the other side

This post is somewhat different (as most of my posts have been centred around me and my day to day goings on with ED). This post is more of an interview with BF because I don't think I've ever asked him outright how it affects him (and I'm sure it must as he doesn't suffer from a complete emotional deficit! Far from it!)

What annoys you most?

"The fact that you go on about how fat you are all the time and after everything you eat you feel guilty. I can't compliment you properly because I know they don't get through... especially when met with the acknowledgement of MEH!"

What worries you most?

"That you will/do (during the worst times) make yourself really ill. Also that you become very withdrawn and distance yourself from me during bad times; it worries me that the distance will remain between us and tear us apart." 

If you could provide an answer, what would it be?

Initial reaction is 'Snap out of it' (although he says he knows that would miss the point and wouldn't work) As it happens he is quite well educated because of me. Instead he resolves to say   'listen to what other people say about you, how they see you and that they're being sincere when they compliement you'.

If you could change one thing about me, would it be my ED?

No I'd make you less bossy ... oh, no... well it's a close one.

Since being with me, what have you learnt about eating disorders that you had no clue about before?

How completely soul consuming an ED is and it takes over everything. I didn't realise how big a part it played in the life of a sufferer.

So it seems that it is not only us that suffer from our ED..... the people closest to us do too... but then what is the answer??
Bottle it up and not talk about it to save the other half from earache and drive ourselves mad??
I doubt BF would allow that as an answer ("Too right I wouldn't"-BF)

It seems that until the source rids themselves of the ED, they infect others around them too.
... so on that note... I need to focus on getting myself better... not just for myself but those closest to me as well.
Furthermore... I'm not going to tell BF how guilty I feel right now after having a chocolate finger... ooops

P.S. Thank you to my family, close friends and BF for sticking by me through good, bad and worse times!

Gecko xx

Heads of Tails?

Having a bad day today....
The past few days have been the first bad days since I started back at weightwatchers.
I can't explain why I'm down... but anyone with ED will understand that sometimes you just really can't stand what you see in the mirror in front of you... more so than normal... to the point where the frustration is exhausting.
Even though I'm losing weight healthily at the moment, It's still not quick enough for me and I am upping the anti with my exercise which I know isn't good for me.
It seems to be heads or tails as to how I feel when I wake up in the morning.
:(
Gecko x

I Like ED??

BF asked me a very out of the blue question the other day that confused me somewhat... after a few days of thinking I thought I'd share with you all and see what you think. His question was...

'Would you be happy if you got rid of ED?'

You would have thought my initial reaction would have been yes but I found myself pausing.

After some time I realised, to BF's horror/surprise that I wasn't sure.
Obviously I want to get better but at the same time ED (BF and I refer to him as a person almost) is a huge part of my life.

Even when there is nothing else to worry/think about... there is ED.
It made me wonder what exactly I would stress about in my life if ED wasn't present. It would be really surreal, like losing a huge part of myself as I have gotten so used to him being there whilst the world around me has changed.

It seems that deep down, although I know ED is the enemy, he is almost a comfort too, maybe even something to fall back on and blame when I'm having a bad day... 'oh it's because of ED that I feel like this'.

I do sincerely hope I beat ED but I have been told that he will always be there, you just have to pin him down and not let him surface.
I'm not sure whether to be relieved at that thought or worried that I will never fully be back to the person I used to be... and yet surprisingly I feel unfazed as I write this... as though I have already accepted that he will always be there, I just have to learn to control him rather than him control me...

Does anyone else ever feel like this and what answer do you find yourself with when confronted with the same question?

Gecko x

A Step at a Time

This past week has been much of the same, revision for exams and keeping an eye on the food I'm eating. However, there has been one big change.

I've started jogging, which I've never done before. At secondary school I was always told I 'couldn't run' and I was 'too fat to run'.
The most I've ever gone is about a mile without stopping. And yet I've spent the last 2 years in the gym building up my fitness and I love it. I can easily spend 2 hours in there working hard.

I can't use the treadmill because it puts too much pressure on my back after a car crash I had a couple of years ago. However, the physio told me I may be ok jogging outside because you're actually moving forwards = less pressure.

So Thursday night I set off jogging avec BF and managed 20 minutes covering 2.5 miles without stopping.
I couldn't believe it and will definitely be doing it on the days I don't go to the gym. It's a new challenge and helps me keep my mind off ED.
Furthermore, I've lost about 3 pounds this week after my disappointing half pound gain last week :)
Soo all seems fairly good atm... if I had to give one piece of advice at the moment it would be..

Take small steps and don't get ahead of yourself, healing takes time... and celebrate every milestone you pass no matter how big or small :)

Gecko x

Avoiding Sins

Well I was bitterly disappointed that when I attended weightwatchers (WW) for the first week on Monday I'd actually PUT ON half a pound!
Admittedly I kept my shoes on this time and I had lost inches because I've built muscle at the gym but still, in terms of the numbers game I was extremely deflated.
Also, being back at Uni has thrown up all sorts of temptation, the main one being alcohol. Even though we are on the verge of exams, booze seems to flow most nights resulting in at least one person I know ending their night with their head over the toilet bowl. Classy!
I've managed to stay away from alcohol so far, busying myself with revision which is always fun and sticking to soft drinks in the evening when I go out because I know alcohol has a huge effect on my weightloss, more so than over-eating.
Well it's Wednesday and I've somewhat gotten over my self pity of Monday. My WW leader said that because I'm not overweight in the first place and I generally eat healthily it may take a while to kickstart and start shifting. The result: I'm going to stick at it! I must admit even though the scales didn't tip in my favour, I still feel better than I normally do (pre return to WW). ED seems to have been demoted to the dog house for now as I'm eating regularly and healthily.
Here goes to another week of avoiding the sins!