BF asked me a very out of the blue question the other day that confused me somewhat... after a few days of thinking I thought I'd share with you all and see what you think. His question was...
'Would you be happy if you got rid of ED?'
You would have thought my initial reaction would have been yes but I found myself pausing.
After some time I realised, to BF's horror/surprise that I wasn't sure.
Obviously I want to get better but at the same time ED (BF and I refer to him as a person almost) is a huge part of my life.
Even when there is nothing else to worry/think about... there is ED.
It made me wonder what exactly I would stress about in my life if ED wasn't present. It would be really surreal, like losing a huge part of myself as I have gotten so used to him being there whilst the world around me has changed.
It seems that deep down, although I know ED is the enemy, he is almost a comfort too, maybe even something to fall back on and blame when I'm having a bad day... 'oh it's because of ED that I feel like this'.
I do sincerely hope I beat ED but I have been told that he will always be there, you just have to pin him down and not let him surface.
I'm not sure whether to be relieved at that thought or worried that I will never fully be back to the person I used to be... and yet surprisingly I feel unfazed as I write this... as though I have already accepted that he will always be there, I just have to learn to control him rather than him control me...
Does anyone else ever feel like this and what answer do you find yourself with when confronted with the same question?
Gecko x
Walking the Walk
10 years ago
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1 comment:
I am a 57 year old woman who has been bulimic since college. I just ran across your blog as I was checking out some other eating disorder blogs...
I recently wrote a post on my own blog called "Screwy Perceptions": "I have come to the conclusion that I actually "like" my eating disorder in some strange way. It is like an old friend. Kind of like drugs, I think. Although it often makes my life miserable, it also gives me a lot of comfort, even happiness sometimes (when my weight is going down), so it is hard to actually give it up. My therapist says it is probably because constantly thinking about my weight and being involved in disordered eating patterns, is less stressful than thinking about what happened to me as a child and dealing with that."
So, Gecko, it's a matter of deciding if you want to have a "friend" that is bad for you, simply because he's always been there for you? Or is this a friend that you need to say goodbye to? The first choice sounds good, but believe me I know how hard it is.
I applaud you for your insight at such a young age. At my advanced age and after years of therapy I'm just now learning what you already are aware of. So you are already way ahead of me. Keep working at it, you are doing great.
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