New chapter

Well.... I have been very neglectful of my blog recently, but a lot has happened during this time.

Firstly I have sat and passed my first year law exams. The stress didn't help with my eating but i had a slight up after my results.

I finally got down to the weight that I was pre-university... taking about 9 months to lose a stone that took only 3 weeks to put on during freshers term
I've also been on holiday to Barcelona with my mum, a break we both needed and a chance to let my hair down a bit although being in a bikini made sure I kept an eye on my weight.

I have also had a letter for my CBT and have been to my initial appointment so my therapy should begin soon.

The only down part that I've had is that after abstaining since the beginning of December, I have began to make myself sick again occasionally whenever I wander from my healthy eating.

I'm trying my best to combine healthy eating with exercise and other things that make me feel good like moisturising and looking after my skin etc so that I can feel good inside and outside when I go back to uni.

I hope everyone out there has been doing well :)

I hope to start a new chapter soon and begin recovery.. feeling optimistic for now but we shall see.

Gecko xx

Stress and Eating

I've found that I have a strange relationship with food and stress. Pre weightloss I found that when I was stressed I ate more.. hence I got bigger.
Normally, when I'm stressing about my weight and restricting, the stress tends to cause me not to lose weight no matter how hard I try because stress slows down your metabolism.

At the moment I'm just about to hit my exams... 39 hours and 47 minutes until my first one... not that I'm counting.
The stress of my exams has actually contributed to my weightloss, even though I am still eating. It could be because I have upped the exercise further still to and chill out.

Either way, I'm trying to push ED out at the moment as my academic achievements are important to me (I'm a complete perfection and I push myself as much as possible with everything) and I don't want bad eating patterns to leave me lethargic....

Got to try and stress less but feeling rather down :(

Gecko x

Living with the other half...Seeing it from the other side

This post is somewhat different (as most of my posts have been centred around me and my day to day goings on with ED). This post is more of an interview with BF because I don't think I've ever asked him outright how it affects him (and I'm sure it must as he doesn't suffer from a complete emotional deficit! Far from it!)

What annoys you most?

"The fact that you go on about how fat you are all the time and after everything you eat you feel guilty. I can't compliment you properly because I know they don't get through... especially when met with the acknowledgement of MEH!"

What worries you most?

"That you will/do (during the worst times) make yourself really ill. Also that you become very withdrawn and distance yourself from me during bad times; it worries me that the distance will remain between us and tear us apart." 

If you could provide an answer, what would it be?

Initial reaction is 'Snap out of it' (although he says he knows that would miss the point and wouldn't work) As it happens he is quite well educated because of me. Instead he resolves to say   'listen to what other people say about you, how they see you and that they're being sincere when they compliement you'.

If you could change one thing about me, would it be my ED?

No I'd make you less bossy ... oh, no... well it's a close one.

Since being with me, what have you learnt about eating disorders that you had no clue about before?

How completely soul consuming an ED is and it takes over everything. I didn't realise how big a part it played in the life of a sufferer.

So it seems that it is not only us that suffer from our ED..... the people closest to us do too... but then what is the answer??
Bottle it up and not talk about it to save the other half from earache and drive ourselves mad??
I doubt BF would allow that as an answer ("Too right I wouldn't"-BF)

It seems that until the source rids themselves of the ED, they infect others around them too.
... so on that note... I need to focus on getting myself better... not just for myself but those closest to me as well.
Furthermore... I'm not going to tell BF how guilty I feel right now after having a chocolate finger... ooops

P.S. Thank you to my family, close friends and BF for sticking by me through good, bad and worse times!

Gecko xx

Heads of Tails?

Having a bad day today....
The past few days have been the first bad days since I started back at weightwatchers.
I can't explain why I'm down... but anyone with ED will understand that sometimes you just really can't stand what you see in the mirror in front of you... more so than normal... to the point where the frustration is exhausting.
Even though I'm losing weight healthily at the moment, It's still not quick enough for me and I am upping the anti with my exercise which I know isn't good for me.
It seems to be heads or tails as to how I feel when I wake up in the morning.
:(
Gecko x

I Like ED??

BF asked me a very out of the blue question the other day that confused me somewhat... after a few days of thinking I thought I'd share with you all and see what you think. His question was...

'Would you be happy if you got rid of ED?'

You would have thought my initial reaction would have been yes but I found myself pausing.

After some time I realised, to BF's horror/surprise that I wasn't sure.
Obviously I want to get better but at the same time ED (BF and I refer to him as a person almost) is a huge part of my life.

Even when there is nothing else to worry/think about... there is ED.
It made me wonder what exactly I would stress about in my life if ED wasn't present. It would be really surreal, like losing a huge part of myself as I have gotten so used to him being there whilst the world around me has changed.

It seems that deep down, although I know ED is the enemy, he is almost a comfort too, maybe even something to fall back on and blame when I'm having a bad day... 'oh it's because of ED that I feel like this'.

I do sincerely hope I beat ED but I have been told that he will always be there, you just have to pin him down and not let him surface.
I'm not sure whether to be relieved at that thought or worried that I will never fully be back to the person I used to be... and yet surprisingly I feel unfazed as I write this... as though I have already accepted that he will always be there, I just have to learn to control him rather than him control me...

Does anyone else ever feel like this and what answer do you find yourself with when confronted with the same question?

Gecko x

A Step at a Time

This past week has been much of the same, revision for exams and keeping an eye on the food I'm eating. However, there has been one big change.

I've started jogging, which I've never done before. At secondary school I was always told I 'couldn't run' and I was 'too fat to run'.
The most I've ever gone is about a mile without stopping. And yet I've spent the last 2 years in the gym building up my fitness and I love it. I can easily spend 2 hours in there working hard.

I can't use the treadmill because it puts too much pressure on my back after a car crash I had a couple of years ago. However, the physio told me I may be ok jogging outside because you're actually moving forwards = less pressure.

So Thursday night I set off jogging avec BF and managed 20 minutes covering 2.5 miles without stopping.
I couldn't believe it and will definitely be doing it on the days I don't go to the gym. It's a new challenge and helps me keep my mind off ED.
Furthermore, I've lost about 3 pounds this week after my disappointing half pound gain last week :)
Soo all seems fairly good atm... if I had to give one piece of advice at the moment it would be..

Take small steps and don't get ahead of yourself, healing takes time... and celebrate every milestone you pass no matter how big or small :)

Gecko x

Avoiding Sins

Well I was bitterly disappointed that when I attended weightwatchers (WW) for the first week on Monday I'd actually PUT ON half a pound!
Admittedly I kept my shoes on this time and I had lost inches because I've built muscle at the gym but still, in terms of the numbers game I was extremely deflated.
Also, being back at Uni has thrown up all sorts of temptation, the main one being alcohol. Even though we are on the verge of exams, booze seems to flow most nights resulting in at least one person I know ending their night with their head over the toilet bowl. Classy!
I've managed to stay away from alcohol so far, busying myself with revision which is always fun and sticking to soft drinks in the evening when I go out because I know alcohol has a huge effect on my weightloss, more so than over-eating.
Well it's Wednesday and I've somewhat gotten over my self pity of Monday. My WW leader said that because I'm not overweight in the first place and I generally eat healthily it may take a while to kickstart and start shifting. The result: I'm going to stick at it! I must admit even though the scales didn't tip in my favour, I still feel better than I normally do (pre return to WW). ED seems to have been demoted to the dog house for now as I'm eating regularly and healthily.
Here goes to another week of avoiding the sins!

A donut is less fattening than that salad!

It's amazing how misguided people can be.
I've been at the library this morning and my friend wanted to grab some lunch so I went with him. He doesn't know about my ED etc. but I knew he was trying to lose a few pounds too.
I'd brought my own lunch but we went to the cafe to grab him something. He picked up a salad bowl (believing it was healthy and took it to the till).
I knew from looking that it wouldn't be the low calorie option. It had potato salad, bacon and coleslaw in it.
When I looked at the wrapper it had a whopping 526 calories and 7.8grams of saturated fat, that was a lot more than the huge donut that had been sat on the shelf next to it.
Indeed the salad will have a lot more nutrients and vitamins in it than a donut but still...
who thought I'd see the day when I'd say 'a donut's less fattening than a salad!'

No bottom, No fat, No guilt!!!

No bottom, No fat, No guilt; the slogan that came with my Nando's fat free frozen yoghurt... the first time I've allowed myself dessert for a long time... and I didn't feel guilty. OK so it wasn't a big slab of cheesecake but hey, one step at a time.
All seems to be going well so far.
I've stuck to my weightwatchers and am eating a surprising amount (because its all healthy food)
What's more ED has been kicked out the door (well at least into the back garden) because I have something else to concentrate my energies on.
I haven't used numbers (other than the points) and I haven't weighed myself!
Looking at my little tracker of the food I've eaten over the last few days, I realise I've allowed myself more food than I normally do, and I feel a lot more awake and healthy.
BUT... most of all I feel slimmer, I feel how I did when I joined weightwatchers for the first time (before ED)
I'M IN CONTROL.... it feels so great to say that.
I have been in the gym everyday but it's been healthy exercise not working myself to exhaustion for 3.5 hours at a time.
BF has joined the gym too so spurs me on whilst also secretly (he thinks) keeping an eye on me.
Definitely the best move I've made in a while and such a contrast to how I was feeling this time last week... I just hope it lasts and I'm determined to stick to it and go for a twice monthly weigh in even once I hit my goal weight again.
I'd recommend it to anyone who not only wants to lose a few pounds but, especially for people with ED because it gives you back the control by focusing your mind on other things.
.... Baby Steps!!!
Gecko x

Back on Track

Well, so far so good, no numbers other than my weightwatchers ones.
I rejoined weightwatchers on monday evening and haven't looked back. It's certainly giving me a focus and I'm enjoying eating healthy meals without bingeing and no starving either.
Also, my peppy mood probably has something to do with being back at the gym since tuesday which has been awesome...
not sure how I will manage for 3 months in the summer when I go home!
Staying cheery for now :)
Gecko x

the NUMBERS game

This morning I found that everything was about the numbers...
numbers of calories, numbers on the scales, numbers in the waistband and numbers on the tape measure.
WHY must I live my life in bloody NUMBERS.
So I've decided that for a whole week I'm going to cut out the numbers!
I'm not going to weigh myself, I'm not going to look at the calories in what I eat (although I am going to estimate the weightwatchers points so that I don't go overboard). I'm going to eat healthily and when I'm hungry and I won't measure myself. Can't really do much about the waistband measurements (unless I cut them all out!)
... wish me luck!!!

Bacon Butty!

Well this morning started in disastrous style. And what's worse is I can see my self slipping back to old habits. I haven't purged since December... I'm trying so hard to keep that streak up.
I love the sun and now that the weather's picking up I thought it would brighten my mood. But it's shortlived as I realise it means less covering up... less hiding.
My mum suggested measuring my weight loss with my clothes rather than NUMBERS, so I tried my white linen pants on from last summer. They're a size 8 and rather than making me look like a slim 20 year old I felt like the back end of a POLAR BEAR!
 
I love bacon butties and I haven't turned down a weightwatchers low fat bacon muffin on a saturday morning for over 6 months... until this morning.
I know this is a step backwards and a trigger to catapult me back to ED... so then the sensible voice in my head says EAT THE DAMN BUTTY and you won't slip back.. or at least there'll be a delay...
 
But I can't. I don't want it and I can't stand the thought of a bacon butty shaped piece of fat stuck to my hip... that's a thought to put anyone off their breakfast... except my dad that is!

Food Fury

That little voice in my head has so much power it's ridiculous.
I noticed that I can spend all day trying to convince myself that I am 'OK' and then it surfaces and says

YOU ARE FAT!

A Sunny Day

I woke up this morning in a really great mood. It's a new day the sun is shining and I'm back to my healthy eating. After taking advise from fellow bloggers I chose to throw the remainder of the pick n mix away and I awoke this morning to a message on my phone saying 'Take it one day at a time' so thanks for that guys!
 I can't wait to get back to uni so I can hit the gym.... it's my saviour and will continue to be during my exams!

I also took a minute to think how much time I waste obsessing about my weight and how much I don't like myself. I don't think I'm ready to relinquish this time but at least it's at the back of my mind that I want and deserve a better quality of life rather than spending it being completely dominated by food.

All I want to say this morning to anyone suffering is take it one day at a time, nobody is perfect and we all need a little inspiration to carry on sometimes

Gecko x

Are You Out of Your Mind?

I received an email a few days ago that not-so-subtly suggested I was 'bonkers' because of my eating issues.
Evidently it was written by an insensitve moron who has no idea how serious or how hard it is to cope with and overcome eating disorders and body dismorphia. I have a lot of respect for those who are recovering and making progress.

On the contrary, I am not mad. I like to think I have a great sense of humour and I'm very bubbly and outgoing. To outsiders I probably look like a perfectly normal girl. Which brings me to my thought of the afternoon...

Whilst driving away from the train station after dropping off BF, I looked at the various people pounding the pavements and couldn't help but wonder whether they had skeletons in the closet (or even in the depths of their mind). Do they have issues that they struggle with, are they alcoholics, are they going through a messy divorce, do they hate the way their nose looks? In a way it was comforting to know that no one seems to be perfect and that we all have our little worries, but unfortunately the optimism was short lived when I walked through the door to a giant dinner on the table .... oh the Karma haha!

Follow the Yellow Brick Road.... (in a circle)

All the searing thoughts in pit of my stomach and yet as soon as I put pen to paper (fingers to keypad, maybe that should be) I can't seem to pull out exactly what I want to say. Hopefully the more I blog my thoughts the easier it will become.
In short, today has been a very bad day following a lovely week, a cyclica pattern that I have gotten very used too.
On Monday I felt great after sticking to my healthy eating for 10 days. I felt slimmer and healthier. I picked BF* up from the train station to stay with me for 3 nights. So ensued the eating. He is one of the lucky few that can eat for England and never see a fluctuation in physique or the scales. This isn't good for someone who struggles to maintain their weight and panics at the thought of adding a pound. So when the fresher 10 landed three weeks in to my first term at uni, I can't even describe the feeling of panic. And so begins that dreaded pit of stomach feeling again and the desperation that shift these 10 pounds that are still stuck on 6 months later...

BF has been banished to the depths of LB's* room to play 'Call Of Duty' whilst I jot these quick thoughts of  today down before it drives me mad
.
If someone asked me to describe my life I would say it's a circle. The latest circle began yesterday after going to the cinema and eating pick n mix. This would certainly seem like normal practice for most people and it is certainly something I used to do without batting an eyelid pre-weightloss days.
After having a great time and a meal out with my family, I awoke this morning feeling very frustrated and angry with myself, looked in the mirror and was completely repulsed. I'd have thought the feelings it provokes would stop me satisfying my insatiable sweet tooth and I would have simply avoided the pick n mix but it would appear not. I seem to be forced to press the huge self destruct button, devouring those pick n mix even though I feel guilty after 10 mini eggs and a couple of smarties.
After about 8 or 9 wardrobe changes, unhappy with how I look in each one, I decide I don't want to go out anymore but BF says I should because it's a lovely sunny day; shame my mood doesn't mirror it.
Poor BF, who desperately is trying to understand my illness but can't, gets a little frustrated and more than a little bit worried about me. So followed a 45 minute walk in the sun that achieved very little but awkward silence and a large blister on my little toe.

It upsets me that my issues don't just stop at me but expand beyond to those who I care most about. I hold no secret that I have been diagnosed with BDD or what I can only describe as 'dabbling' with bulimia. However, my parents are unwilling to talk about it/ accept it and my BF doesn't understand it as he thinks I look great. The problem is talking about it. I don't want to hurt those closest to me so I bottle up my feelings, this makes me more paranoid and my eating habits worse. Hence... another circle.
I wish so much that just for one day I could see through someone else's eyes and I could snap myself out of this but at the moment I can see no way of clicking my sparkly red shoes together and being in a different mental state.
At least I feel better after a couple of sharp tears and a stab on the keyboard.
Gecko x

*BF - Boyfriend
*LB - Little Brother

It's All In Your Head!!!

My problem with food and my body definitely stems from my head.
I know the above statement is true and I know that looking in the mirror, what I see isn't actually what's there...
so then why don't I stop acting like a complete idiot, wasting my life away counting calories and making sure I've exercised to the peak of exhaustion???
The answer is: I can't!
It's an addiction and a constant cyclical battle.
For every occasional day that I feel great about myself, I have 2-3 weeks of loathing how I look.
It's so frustrating but I can't just turn it off and decide "YES! I love myself now!"
If only...
The other side of it is, I spend that much time in front of the mirror when I'm on my own, to an outsider it may just look like I'm some self obsessed zombie, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Far from self-obsessed I can't stand what I see in my reflection and punish myself by looking in the mirror and reviewing the lack of progress I have made.
It appears like I can't win and it can feel largely like no one else can understand what goes on in my head. Does anyone else feel like this and to this extent?
I'm very strong, confident and bubbly on the outside, I just wish I could feel that way on the inside.
Still, even if I can only help myself and one other person on this planet, I will feel I have accomplished something!
Gecko x

First Day

Hi everyone!
I've set this blog up after 3 very long years of food ups and downs that I can only describe as a constant battle.
This first post is basically to say hi and let you know about me.
I've set this up in order to help other people that have been in a similar position to me at some stage in their lives or even slightly different ones concerning food, weight,societal constraints on how we "should" look, the media's impace, the desire to look slim and the endless ups and downs of dieting and exercise.
I'm not ashamed of the way I am. I make progress but it can feel like I take one step forward two steps back sometimes in the quest to be content with the way I am
I'd like to be in touch with anyone who lives with or has overcome eating disorders and issues with food and exercise.
It's hard to say 'what' I am. I joined weight watchers in January 2007 and lost 4 stone over 15 months. I'm a healthy size 8-10 and normally weigh about 9st 4lbs and am 5" 7'.
The easy part was losing the weight..... the difficulty came in keeping it off and not only that, but the desire to keep getting slimmer and slimmer.
Over the past 2 years I've been through fazes of not eating at all for a few days, eating and purging, exercising for up to 6 hours and lying about my food.
I hide it well from my family but I find it hard not to bring up my latest attempt at weight loss and how much I hope to lose/how much I have lost.
It all sounds very vain and self obsessed, but sufferers know that it has nothing to do with how much we want to talk about ourselves; It's a cry for help.
After finally finding the courage (thanks to my current boyfriend) to speak to my GP, I'm waiting for a course of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) to deal with my distorted body image (http://www.thebddfoundation.org/) after emailing an advisor from the body dysmorfic foundation.
Fingers crossed I will finally achieve my ambition to be content with the way I am and I want to help others feel the same way :)